A Post With No Title

I almost got hit by a bus just now.
Really close.
Just 2 feet away was the bus from my body.
But my reaction when I reached the other end of the road shocked me and other people at the side of the road who watched - I laughed.
The bus almost killed me but I laughed.
I laughed not because of nervousness but because of the shock.
I was shocked that I don't care anymore either to live or to die.
I realized how much care do I still have about myself after that incident - none.
But then a thought came, while I was walking back home.
I'm still alive because my part on this world is not done yet.
I had realized this since 5 years ago.
After the major accident that had shaped me into the person I am now.
Doctors said they still haven't seen a patient who had the same condition as I was - survived.
I should not have survived but I did.
That was when the realization hit me - my part on this world is not done yet.
Allah still wants me to live to do what I was supposed to do.
I've forgotten about this and almost got myself killed because of my recklessness.
I should care for myself more because in order to battle the wars ahead of me, I should be in the greatest form of mental and physical health.
I should be strong mentally and physically.
I know this is what I should do.

But I'm getting weaker, day by day.
Sometimes I let out a sob, tried to stop it but can't.
And it became a really long cry in the middle of the night.
Friends said I love to stare and daydream.
Little did they know that there were millions of things crossing my mind at that moment and I was trying to push them away - one by one.
Little did they know how frequently my tears almost dropped when they were spooning their food and talked about their family.
I was happy to listen to their stories about what their fathers do for them, how their problems been sorted out and solved by their family, how they really care for each other.
I was happy when I listened to it because it makes me happy when I see other people have a happier family than mine.
At least they don't have to feel what I'm feeling.
I don't want my friends to feel what I'm feeling.
'Cause this feeling is killing me softly by seconds.
I was happy for them but at the same time I longed to have that kind of family.
I longed to have a father who cares for me, who can lend a shoulder for me to cry on whenever I have a mental breakdown, who can make me feel safe whenever I feel scared, who can be the wali for my marriage.
I longed to have a family who I can communicate with, who I can share my problems with, who I can show the vulnerable me sometimes.

But no, I can't even be myself when I'm with them.
I still need to be the strong and happy go lucky girl who I had created for the world to see since I was a kid.
My own family has no idea who Illiyin really is.
My own mother has no idea how broken and shattered her little girl is.
They didn't ask me why when I told them that I've lost my passion in the course I'm taking.
They just urged me to finish the course and do whatever I wanna do after I finished my degree.
Perhaps because they see me as a strong lady and I can deal with it easily.
Yes, I'm a strong lady and I can go through this by myself but I just want to have conversations about my life with them - because they're my family.
I want them to ask me how I'm feeling, how I'm living my life.
I'm tired of finding solutions by myself.
I'm tired of nursing my broken heart by myself.
But of course I can't tell my friends what I'm feeling - I can't.
Nobody can understand what I'm going through because they were not there with me throughout the 24 years I've lived.
Only Allah can.
I can tell everything only to Him.
About how weak I'm feeling, how I can't walk on this path anymore, how tired I am of acting fine and happy to everyone.
Because He is my creator.
Nobody can understand me like He can.
Not even me sometimes.
Only to Him can I let it all out.
Only to Him.

Thank you Allah for lending me a soul who can be a place for me to share my 24 years of burden with, at last.
Been waiting for this person since forever and now You've granted my wish.
I don't know how long will you place him in my life but I don't mind if his presence is only for a while.
At least the burden I'm carrying is lighter now. Thank you and please don't leave me ya Allah.
Please.

Red and Blue

Maybe i'm not that pretty,
Maybe i'm not that classy,
I don't need your pity,
It only makes me feel uneasy.

I can give you what you want, 
I can be the perfect woman your heart desires,
But have you ever wondered about what i want,
About what my heart desires?

Love is never easy,
And hatred is always comforting,
Go and get yourself busy,
For crying doesn't seem fitting.

I know it's not fair to judge a book by its cover,
I know it's not right to hide behind walls,
But all these lies make it hard for me to jump over,
Be under cover and become untouchable so i shall.

Believe me when i say i fall for you,
For it's not easy to be someone who i look for, 
Break me until my heart becomes blue,
Then i start walking and look no more.

Forever deciding between red and blue,
For once someone told me without hurt i won't learn,
Until one day i found love that's true,
It will be either to hate or to yearn.

The Lost Love

Being in my shoes is not easy,

If you have never felt unloved by a man.

A man who every child calls a 'father'.

I did notice the love, I did.

But the feeling only lasted for a few minutes, once in a blue moon.

I craved for his love and attention,

Till I put aside the joy of playing outside with friends,

To spend time indoor playing computer games with him,

Just so I can get the attention I craved for,

Because that was the only way I can exist in his eyes.

I had started to accept the life I had,

That my father was not like most fathers outside there,

Who asks "How's your day at school today?" "What marks did you get for your exam?" "Have you done your homework?"

I had started to accept the fact that maybe my life is different but that was okay as long as I still have him by my side,

Unlike other children at the other side of the world who no more have a father.

At least I still have a father, the only guy who can show me hints of a man's love,

Though the hints were seldom and almost unrecognized.

I thought I would always come back home and sit beside him watching him play The Sims and hear him talks about what he did in the game with excitement in his voice,

The exact excitement that I was hoping to get from him when I brought home my exam results,

But that hope was soon deleted because I knew I would not get it.

And I was ready to continue that routine as long as I can still spend time with him everyday when I got home from school.

Wrong. What I believed was totally wrong.

Because things started to dive downwards, deeper and deeper.

I frequently came back home to the sound of fighting and threats,

I no longer spent time to play games with him,

I no longer sat beside him to look at him and listen to him,

Because that place was taken by my mother,

When they fought almost every day from the moment the sun set.

I dreaded the moment when the school ended,

Because I did not want to listen to anymore raised voices, things being smashed and to watch my mother's tears.

I dreaded the weak feeling inside me that crept around when I spent hours listening to the very same sound,

Every single night.

It was hard. Really hard.

My sisters were not home to accompany me, to talk to me about anything,

To divert my mind from the chaos in my home, in my own head.

I got no one to talk to, not even my best friends,

Because they would not understand,

For the family they have is a happy one.

I did get jealous sometimes, I did.

For why did I get this kind of test when they did not.

For why their father loves them very much and always laughed with them,

While mine did not.

Years went by,

I spent the time at home like a frightened mouse,

Frightened of the possibilities,

If my mother got hurt physically,

If I was to be asked again to go outside in the middle of the night to buy his cigarettes,

If more things will be smashed and broken,

Because the fights had turned to be more vicious and my father had turned to become a person who I no longer recognized,

A person who has only hatred in his eyes and no more softness which I used to see.

I always questioned myself,

Why didn't I go out there and release the tension inside me by doing things that some teenagers did when they got stressed out and felt pain,

Why did I stay home and hurt myself over and over again,

Why did I have to endure all these by myself,

I was not even 20 years old.

But my questions were always answered when I looked at my mother's face,

When I saw her enduring the hardships,

Of doing her work, house chores and those fights with my father.

She was tired, really tired.

And I could not add on to that tiredness by giving another problem to her,

I could not be a selfish daughter and let her endure everything by herself,

I must stay beside her to protect her if anything bad happen,

I must stay home,

I must be her protector.

I could see the unshed tears in her eyes and I immediately looked away,

For I was afraid to cry right in front of her and add on to her misery,

Misery by knowing that her youngest daughter is suffering tremendously inside,

And she could not do anything to ease the suffering.

No, let her not know that. Ever.

So I had decided,

To bottle up all my feelings inside,

To show her and everyone else that I was not affected by the things that happened in my home,

Wanted to let her know that I was just fine and so was my studies,

By giving her the results that made her happy and proud of me,

And that was the only thing I could do at that time to repay her for her sacrifices.

When things became official,

When my family was officially apart and broken,

I got confused with my feelings.

I was happy and relieved for my mother for she would never have to endure those fights again and lost her sleep during the night,

But I was also sad deep inside because I know that I no more have the chance to come back home to my father playing games and chat away with him about the games,

I can no longer have the complete family that I used to have although it was not a happy one,

I can no longer hear both voices that I love under one roof anymore,

I can no longer cook supper for him when I stayed up late and received his praises for my cooking,

I can no longer have the hope of having a happy family.

I was broken and torn apart,
But I made sure no one knows that.
I was not alone but I was lonely,
For the friends I have were clueless of the pain I was having.
I cried silently at nights under my blanket,
With music in my ears to help me ease the pain I was feeling.
I was all smile and happy during the day,
But sorrow and teary during the night.

So I tried to find the love of a man from an outsider,

Who could maybe give me the love I craved and searched for,
To help me forget the hurt I was dealing with.

But what I got instead were more hurt and my heart was wounded even more viciously.

Still, I kept feeling positive that I would find the love if I be patient enough,

That not all guys are vicious and mean.

Again, I got fooled. 

Fooled by guys who only saw me as an object, not a human being with feelings.

I closed my heart after that, for a few years.

For my heart was crying and asking me to stop loving,

Stop allowing men to slice it into tinier pieces,

Because it needed time to heal from all those heartbreaks,

Before facing another possibility of one.

I have opened the door once again,

After years of healing and repairing.

I had faced a few more slices and stabs right after I opened it,

But I remained strong and keep reminding my heart that without hurt, I won't learn.

Some people said that I am so easy in falling in love and that I should not do that,

Because that is how I will get hurt repeatedly.

I can only smile at those remarks,

For they do not understand the situation I am having,

For they have a loving father by their side who did not turn into a man of hatred,

For they had never endured 23 years of loneliness and hurt.

I am easy to love a man because my fragile heart tends to reach out to feel loved,

I am easy to love a man because I want to know how a man's love feels like,

Because that love is the one that I did not get ever since I was born,

From the man whom I call a father.

P/s: I still love you Abah, I would always love you. You are the only man I have in my life and I always pray that you won't be taken away from me. 

I love it when I saw at last, the look of pride on your face when I got Dean's list during my college years. The pride in your and mother's eyes are the main reason for why I'm still holding on and continuing this journey. Because of you, Abah. 

I LOVE YOU. Stop saying that you're just waiting for your time to end and to be called by the angels. Stop saying that coz that hurts me really badly and I cried immediately inside. Stay. Please stay. I MISS YOU and WILL ALWAYS DO.