A Post With No Title

I almost got hit by a bus just now.
Really close.
Just 2 feet away was the bus from my body.
But my reaction when I reached the other end of the road shocked me and other people at the side of the road who watched - I laughed.
The bus almost killed me but I laughed.
I laughed not because of nervousness but because of the shock.
I was shocked that I don't care anymore either to live or to die.
I realized how much care do I still have about myself after that incident - none.
But then a thought came, while I was walking back home.
I'm still alive because my part on this world is not done yet.
I had realized this since 5 years ago.
After the major accident that had shaped me into the person I am now.
Doctors said they still haven't seen a patient who had the same condition as I was - survived.
I should not have survived but I did.
That was when the realization hit me - my part on this world is not done yet.
Allah still wants me to live to do what I was supposed to do.
I've forgotten about this and almost got myself killed because of my recklessness.
I should care for myself more because in order to battle the wars ahead of me, I should be in the greatest form of mental and physical health.
I should be strong mentally and physically.
I know this is what I should do.

But I'm getting weaker, day by day.
Sometimes I let out a sob, tried to stop it but can't.
And it became a really long cry in the middle of the night.
Friends said I love to stare and daydream.
Little did they know that there were millions of things crossing my mind at that moment and I was trying to push them away - one by one.
Little did they know how frequently my tears almost dropped when they were spooning their food and talked about their family.
I was happy to listen to their stories about what their fathers do for them, how their problems been sorted out and solved by their family, how they really care for each other.
I was happy when I listened to it because it makes me happy when I see other people have a happier family than mine.
At least they don't have to feel what I'm feeling.
I don't want my friends to feel what I'm feeling.
'Cause this feeling is killing me softly by seconds.
I was happy for them but at the same time I longed to have that kind of family.
I longed to have a father who cares for me, who can lend a shoulder for me to cry on whenever I have a mental breakdown, who can make me feel safe whenever I feel scared, who can be the wali for my marriage.
I longed to have a family who I can communicate with, who I can share my problems with, who I can show the vulnerable me sometimes.

But no, I can't even be myself when I'm with them.
I still need to be the strong and happy go lucky girl who I had created for the world to see since I was a kid.
My own family has no idea who Illiyin really is.
My own mother has no idea how broken and shattered her little girl is.
They didn't ask me why when I told them that I've lost my passion in the course I'm taking.
They just urged me to finish the course and do whatever I wanna do after I finished my degree.
Perhaps because they see me as a strong lady and I can deal with it easily.
Yes, I'm a strong lady and I can go through this by myself but I just want to have conversations about my life with them - because they're my family.
I want them to ask me how I'm feeling, how I'm living my life.
I'm tired of finding solutions by myself.
I'm tired of nursing my broken heart by myself.
But of course I can't tell my friends what I'm feeling - I can't.
Nobody can understand what I'm going through because they were not there with me throughout the 24 years I've lived.
Only Allah can.
I can tell everything only to Him.
About how weak I'm feeling, how I can't walk on this path anymore, how tired I am of acting fine and happy to everyone.
Because He is my creator.
Nobody can understand me like He can.
Not even me sometimes.
Only to Him can I let it all out.
Only to Him.

Thank you Allah for lending me a soul who can be a place for me to share my 24 years of burden with, at last.
Been waiting for this person since forever and now You've granted my wish.
I don't know how long will you place him in my life but I don't mind if his presence is only for a while.
At least the burden I'm carrying is lighter now. Thank you and please don't leave me ya Allah.
Please.

Red and Blue

Maybe i'm not that pretty,
Maybe i'm not that classy,
I don't need your pity,
It only makes me feel uneasy.

I can give you what you want, 
I can be the perfect woman your heart desires,
But have you ever wondered about what i want,
About what my heart desires?

Love is never easy,
And hatred is always comforting,
Go and get yourself busy,
For crying doesn't seem fitting.

I know it's not fair to judge a book by its cover,
I know it's not right to hide behind walls,
But all these lies make it hard for me to jump over,
Be under cover and become untouchable so i shall.

Believe me when i say i fall for you,
For it's not easy to be someone who i look for, 
Break me until my heart becomes blue,
Then i start walking and look no more.

Forever deciding between red and blue,
For once someone told me without hurt i won't learn,
Until one day i found love that's true,
It will be either to hate or to yearn.